When things become stressful or overwhelming, it is easy to lose touch with yourself. Sometimes, our connection to our own needs, wants and emotions erodes with time. This can happen when you’ve been putting other people’s needs ahead of your own for an extended period of time, or if you’ve been in a situation where you need to ignore your own needs and wants in order to manage (for example, while forging through a stressful project at work).

I often encounter clients who struggle to identify their needs, or answer questions like “What do you enjoy?” or “What do you want out of this situation?”. Here are a couple of exercises that I find very useful to help you to reconnect with your needs and wants, to allow you to begin setting goals and boundaries that bring you closer to the person you hope to be.

The hourly check-in

This one is particularly good for busy folks who routinely ignore their own needs, or who have difficulty with interoception and identifying their own bodily signals that indicate that something needs attention.

Set a timer to go off once an hour throughout the day, from the time you wake up, to the time you begin winding down for bed.

Each time the timer goes off, do a quick scan of your body. Ask yourself the following questions:

• Am I hungry or thirsty?
• Is my whole body (or part of my body) too hot or too cold?
• Do I feel any tension or pain in any parts of my body?
• Do I need to go to the toilet?
• Is there anything I need in this moment?

Once you’ve run through these questions, you can then attend to any needs that are revealed in the process.

Do this for one week.

Although this sounds deceptively simple, many of us aren’t in the habit of regularly checking in with our bodies. We tend to ignore the cues that we’re becoming hungry or cold or stiff, only attending to them when they become too intense to ignore.

Getting into the habit of regularly checking in with your body allows you to flag needs earlier, and attend to them before they become dire. This can help to reduce overall stress and tension, as well as improving your relationship with yourself.

Pay attention to any patterns that arise during this exercise. Are there certain needs or signals that you’ve been ignoring on a regular basis? Are there more subtle signals that you’ve started to identify?

“Feeling the Yes” exercise

Setting boundaries and advocating for yourself can be challenging if you have trouble identifying what you want to say “Yes” or “No” to. If you’ve gotten used to overriding your own wants and needs any time a choice has to be made, you might really struggle with figuring out what it is that you really want.

Re-acquainting yourself with your internal compass is also an important step in beginning to learn boundary-setting skills, because you need to be able to identify those moments where you tend to say “Yes” when you really mean “No”.

As strange as it sounds, our bodies give us internal cues when we think about or engage with something that we want or when we don’t want something. That internal sensation is often what we talk about when we refer to our “gut instinct”. This exercise is designed to help you to get in touch with that feeling and get to know it a bit better.

To begin, sit somewhere quiet where you won’t be disturbed. Take a few minutes to pause and breathe, and connect with your body. Feel your feet on the floor and note any places that your body makes contact with the chair or surface you’re sitting on.

Now, I want you to read each of the following statements aloud to yourself.

• Winter is my favourite season
• My idea of bliss is an afternoon by myself in complete silence
• I really enjoy eating pineapple on pizza
• I would feel very confident if I had to sing in front of an audience

As you read each statement, note the sensations in your body. Where do you feel these sensations? What is the quality of those sensations? Are they hot or cold or warm? Tight? Prickly? Fuzzy? Do they feel like a push or a pull? Do you notice any changes to your facial expressions?

Consider whether you agree or disagree with the statements above? Did your body feel different when you read a statements that you agreed with to ones that you did not agree with? How does a “Yes” feel different within your body, as opposed to a “No”?

Now that you have an idea of the internal experience of “Yes” and “No”, it may become easier to notice your true answer to a question or request, as well as the moment you feel tempted to override that answer with the one that you think is expected. This gives you an opportunity to make a more informed choice about your answer, and possibly practice setting a boundary or advocating for yourself.

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These exercises are just a starting point to help you to reconnect with yourself and spend some time with your own needs and wants. They can be challenging for some folks, and they don’t work for everyone. If you’re curious about delving deeper into your needs, wants and boundaries and would like some support during this process please reach out to me. I would be happy to give you a hand.