You’ve decided to explore non-monogamy, and initially the idea filled you with excitement. You liked the idea of having multiple partners, of exploring new experiences and connecting with people who filled your life with romance and joy. Perhaps you’re exploring on your own, or maybe you’ve opened up an existing relationship.

The first few experiences were difficult, much more than you’d anticipated. You weren’t ready for the waves of emotion, insecurity and anxiety that pummeled you. At times you were so overwhelmed that you wanted to panic and call the whole thing off. It was almost unbearable to consider your partner going on a date with someone else. You felt ill as you imagined your new crush going home to their nesting partner. The pressure of trying to balance everyone’s needs with your own made your head ache.

Then, a bit of time passed. You kept going and learned some new skills to help you manage the challenges. But…it still feels really difficult. Maybe not as unbearable as it was in the beginning, but certainly not easy. And this has left you asking this question:

“When does it get easy? If I’m still struggling with non-monogamy after all this time, does that mean that it’s not right for me?”

It’s a question that I hear from a lot of people who have been exploring non-monogamy for a little while. It’s common to question whether you’re on the right path when things still feel hard. After all, isn’t the right path supposed to be easy?

The simple answer is… no. The right path isn’t always the easiest one. And a struggle doesn’t always indicate that you’re doing something that’s wrong for you. But the fact that you’re struggling also shouldn’t be discounted.

Let’s start from a place of honesty. Non-monogamy can be really challenging. It’s pretty unusual to find a non-monogamous person who has never struggled. In exploring a non-traditional relationship style, you’ll have to face fears, dismantle long-held beliefs, bump up against big emotions and get your heart trampled a time or two. You have to face up to the mistakes you’ll inevitably make and move into a place of uncertainty. That’s really difficult. So it could be that it feels difficult because it is. You’re feeling challenged because you’re doing A Hard Thing.

Sometimes, we choose to do A Hard Thing because it’s important to us. The struggle and the challenge is worthwhile because it gives us something that really matters.

That’s why it’s really important to continue to come back to the reasons why you chose to practice non-monogamy. Why did you decide to give this a shot? What are your personal values and does non-monogamy align with them?

In asking these questions, you might realise that even though you’re struggling, you still want to continue trying. That non-monogamy means enough to you that you’re willing to endure the struggle. If this is where you land, the next step would be looking at the areas that you’re finding the most challenging and seeing if we can’t find some tools or strategies to make the struggle less profound. It might be possible to lighten the load and with time, it will get easier.

Let me be clear, for some people non-monogamy may never be “easy”. It may always push some buttons. Or you may go through long stretches where it feels very manageable and then suddenly it feels hard again. My goal is to help you find ways to cope when the struggle is present so that you don’t get overwhelmed by the emotional riptide.

You might also find that, in examining your wants and values that non-monogamy simply doesn’t align. Or that it’s something you do want, but the struggle outweighs your desire. You might not have the time or energy at present to develop the skills to make it manageable, or you simply might not want to. And that’s 100% ok. You don’t have to keep pushing yourself into an uncomfortable or distressing space if the outcome isn’t enough to make it worthwhile.

There is no simple answer to the question, but the fact that you’re struggling with non-monogamy doesn’t necessarily mean that it’s not right for you. But if you do decide that you don’t want to continue, it’s alright to put down your burdens and move in another direction. There’s no shame in choosing the path that makes the most sense for you and gives you the ease and fulfilment you deserve.