A lot of issues that polyamorous folks face come from what is sometimes called “The Monogamy Hangover”. This is where monogamous ideals, beliefs and values linger in the background, even when you’ve chosen to be non-monogamous. These ideals can create emotional, cognitive and behavioural patterns that might cause angst and conflict in your non-monogamous relationships.

While it’s most common for people to experience the impacts of The Monogamy Hangover when they first begin exploring non-monogamy, it’s also possible for experienced polyamorists to find themselves grappling with it. This can be really surprising and distressing for some folks.

Right off the bat, I want to say that the presence of a Monogamy Hangover doesn’t mean that you’re not cut out for polyamory or that you’re bad at non-monogamy. We live in a culture that is steeped in monogamous ideals, and most of us are taught certain values and beliefs from the time we are children:

• Most of us grow up surrounded by monogamous couples
• We spend our free time reading books, watching films and listening to music that’s centered around monogamy
• Many structures in our society are set up to privilege monogamous (usually married) couples

The world around us continually reinforces monogamy as the ideal, and non-monogamy is seen as a deviation from this. Even if you’ve chosen to be polyamorous, you are still surrounded by messages that center monogamy. Pressing back against these ideas and norms can be a lifelong process, and one that’s likely to resurface in the future when a new situation arises. It’s understandable if you are finding it challenging to get over some of the beliefs and values that you were raised with.

A lot of the time, when I’m working with a non-monogamous person on a relationship issue, there’s a monogamous belief at the center of the issue that needs to be teased out and explored. Some of the ones that I see most often are:

• There is a “soulmate” or one perfect partner for each person.
• A romantic partner is entitled to their partner’s time and attention whenever they want it
• The success of a relationship is determined by how long it lasts
• A relationship must hit a series of milestones in order to be committed or serious
• If a person really cares about their partner, they will feel jealous when they express attraction to someone else
• Romantic relationships are the most important and valuable type of relationship and should be prioritized above other connections.
• A partner should meet all of your needs.
• If you’re truly attracted to your partner, you won’t feel attraction or desire for anyone else.

These ideals are often really deep and get reinforced over and over again. They bring us a sense of safety and security in relationships and makes us feel like we are special and chosen. For these reasons, it can be incredibly difficult and painful to let go of them, and it can hurt a lot when these beliefs are threatened. The Monogamy Hangover sucks, and it can make it so hard to enjoy polyamory when you’re constantly unlearning ideals that you’ve known all your life.

Although working through the Monogamy Hangover can be a challenge, it’s not impossible. Acknowledging the beliefs at play and examining them can help you to understand where they’ve come from and why they’re being activated. Working through them often leads to a place where you realise that they’re not really serving you, or you notice that the safety and security they’ve given you is artificial or flimsy. I notice a lot of clients who are able to address their Monogamy Hangovers often feel a lot safer and more secure in their romantic relationships in the long run, as well as finding more confidence in themselves.

It can be challenging to work through these ideas and beliefs on your own. Often, they’re so deeply entrenched that it can be difficult to even identify the belief that’s causing you grief. That’s why working with a non-monogamous counsellor can be really helpful. I can assist you to figure out what beliefs are being activated, how they’re impacting you and how to work through them so that you can move towards your goals.