Conflict is inevitable in relationships. No matter how aligned you and your partner are, there are bound to be differences in opinion, clashes of needs and wants and moments of hurt and disconnection. All couples argue, but not all arguments have to be distressing and destructive.

If you struggle during conflict, or find yourself having the same fight over and over, here are 4 things that you can do to make your conflicts more constructive and maintain the connection with your partner even during the tough times.

Set some ground rules

Before the conflict even begins, it’s a good idea to set some rules that govern how you and your partner will interact during an argument. It’s best to have a conversation about this when you’re both calm and able to approach the topic objectively. Taking the time to create some “Rules of Engagement” really helps to set the tone for how you show up during an argument, and sets clear expectations for what isn’t acceptable. For example, you and your partner may elect to ask permission before saying something negative about the other’s family or friends. You might put a moratorium on name-calling or personal attacks. You might ban certain phrases or words (ones that come to mind are “You always…” and “You never…”) or decide a protocol for what you will do if the conflict becomes too heated.

Having these ground rules in place early helps you to approach conflict from a much more constructive perspective and prevents you doing harm to your partner.

Change your mindset towards conflict

Most of us view conflict as a bad thing. This makes sense if your only experience with conflict is shouting matches with your siblings or huge rows with friends. You might think that conflict in a relationship means that the connection is doomed, that if you and your partner are fighting, you must be a bad fit for each other. And that’s simply not true.

Conflict is inevitable in any close relationship. It’s bound to happen when two people relate closely to one another. Conflict has the potential to bring you closer to your partner if handled well, and it can be a great opportunity to understand one another more clearly.

Although conflict is inevitable, fighting is not. If all of your disagreements are turning into throw-down fights, then you need to have a look at your approach. Do you treat your partner as an opponent during conflict, always trying to prove them wrong or “win” the argument? Do you flip into attack mode, insulting your partner and their character the second things become heated? If so, you might be approaching conflict from a combatative standpoint, rather than a collaborative one. You might need to work to see your partner not as the enemy, but as your team-mate, someone that you’re working with to solve the issue.

Be aware of your patterns

If you think carefully about the arguments that you’ve had with your partner, you might notice some patterns that emerge. Perhaps you tend to shut down when the conflict starts, quickly diminishing your concerns and giving in to avoid more arguments. You might notice that you slip into a cycle of blame and defensiveness. Or maybe your temper gets out of hand and you quickly lose your cool.

Often, when a couple gets stuck having the same fight over and over, the issue isn’t the content of the disagreement but rather the way you engage in conflict. Certain patterns will feed off each other, creating drama and hurt feelings but never moving you closer to a resolution. Noticing the patterns you tend to fall into, and working to change them can have a powerful impact on the conflict in your relationship.

Have a reconnection ritual

It’s really important to find a way to reconnect with your partner after a conflict. If you find it really awkward to come back together after a fight, a reconnection ritual can help. Thinking about what would help diffuse the tension and move you closer together after a disagreement gives you something to look forward to when the conflict is hot, and reinforces a feeling of stability and safety within your connection. It also highlights a clear end point to the conflict so that your disagreements don’t drag on indefinitely.

If you want to improve the way that you and your partner handle conflict, you might consider working with a counsellor to build relationship skills, highlight and change patterns and provide some guidance on how to repair after a disagreement. I can give you an opportunity to talk through what’s on your mind, find new ways to resolve conflict and come back together after a difficult time.