Parenting a teenager who is exploring their gender identity can be a rollercoaster. There are bound to be a lot of surprises, shocks and twists, and you can find yourself feeling totally unprepared for the task ahead of you. It’s easy to get caught up in providing support and care for your child and let your own fears, worries and emotions fall by the wayside.

Parents of transgender kids need support as well. I wanted to take a moment to offer a few words of reassurance to any parents who are supporting a young person who is exploring their gender identity, to help you to feel seen and understood.

It’s Ok that you don’t know everything

Gender discourse is complicated. There is a lot of new terminology and ideas that might be challenging to wrap your head around if you haven’t considered it before. For those of us who are cisgender and have never thought very hard about gender, it can be really confronting to suddenly face these ideas head-on. Additionally, you may need to access services, supports and gender-affirming care that you’ve never heard of before, and you don’t know where to begin.

It’s totally normal and understandable to feel overwhelmed. It is a really complex subject, and you don’t need to be an expert. The most important thing of all is that you have a willingness to learn. Take it slow, give yourself time and reach out to reputable sources who can help point you in the right direction to find the answers you need. It’s not important for you to learn everything there is to know about gender discourse. To begin with just focus on the specific things that matter to your child. The rest will wait.

It’s Ok to feel confusion, sadness or grief

It can be really challenging to have your child tell you that they are transgender or gender non-conforming. It’s not uncommon for parents to feel a sense of grief for the future they had imagined for them. It’s normal to feel a pang of rejection or hurt if your child no longer wishes to use the name you chose for them. It’s ok to feel these things, but it’s important to be cautious about how you express them.

It may not be helpful to express these feelings to your child, but you can talk them through with a friend or a counsellor. I can provide you with space to talk frankly about any doubts, fears or hurts you might be experiencing without fear of judgement. It’s important to acknowledge that you’re feeling this way, and that you’re not a bad person for grieving milestones you were looking forward to (e.g. helping your daughter choose a wedding dress, teaching your son to shave). It’s ok to feel sad, but hopefully you’ll be able to see that there will be lots of new milestones and happiness to look forward to as your child steps into their authentic self.

It’s ok if you feel worried that they’re making the wrong choice

Part of the process of parenting is gradually letting go of the reigns and letting your child make choices for themselves. Encouraging and supporting them to make good choices can be really difficult, especially when it comes to big life choices. It’s normal to feel fearful that they might be making the wrong choice, or to feel tempted to intervene. After all, you love your child and you want what’s best for them. It can be scary to watch them make a significant decision at a young age.

Ultimately though, gender is a deeply personal aspect of who we are. We are each experts of our own lives, and if your child is telling you who they are it’s a good idea to listen and take them seriously. Of course it’s possible that they might continue to explore and refine this idea as they get older, but right now if they feel confident in their choice, it’s important to support them. Having someone to talk through your fears and reservations can be really helpful so that you can manage these steps with a bit more confidence.

Parenting a teenager is always a challenge, but when your teenager is curious about their gender or is exploring a gender transition, you might find yourself feeling unprepared for the challenge ahead. You’re not alone, and it’s normal to have some strong emotions, fears and worries in the face of this news. Accessing an LGBTQIA+ affirming counsellor like myself can be a great first step to exploring your emotions, feeling heard and seen and finding more confidence as you support your child through their exploration and transition.