I will often see clients who have come to counselling because they’re being impacted by someone else’s behaviour. Some examples of this include:

• A person who feels neglected because their spouse never plans things for them to do together.
• Someone who feels frustrated because their best friend has a habit of sharing their private information without their permission.
• A client who is annoyed that their boss continues to call them outside of work hours, making it hard to find work/life balance.
• A non-monogamous person who dislikes the person their partner is dating, and would like them to end the relationship.

These clients will show up to a counselling session with the question “How do I make them change?” Up until this point, their focus has been on trying to get the other person to change their behaviour. They’ve poured all of their energy into finding a way to make the other person stop doing the thing that is causing them pain. And they arrive at their first counselling session feeling frustrated and stuck.

The first step to working through these problems is a simple shift in mindset. It means accepting a simple fact, something that feels really difficult to acknowledge:

You can’t make someone else change their behaviour.

There is nothing in your power that can force a person to do things differently. You can make it easier or more likely that they will treat you the way that you want them to, but you can’t actually make it happen. And that’s a scary thing to admit because it means that we have less control over the situation than we believed we did.

Or does it? Even though you can’t control another person, you do have control over yourself. And understanding how you can change your own thoughts, feelings and behaviours in this situation can empower you to make changes to improve the situation.

Now, you might not be able to have things exactly your way. The solution to the issue might not be the one that you were hoping for, but there is always a way to manage yourself in a situation to get a more favourable outcome. Some ways that you can do this include:

• Communicating your needs openly and honestly. If you can tell the other person that their behaviour is upsetting you, and request that they do something different in future, they might take steps to change their behaviour. Often, the reason that people continue doing things that upset or annoy us is simply that they aren’t aware that there’s an issue. If you can express your needs openly, they can consider whether they can make a change. They may still choose not to do as you’ve asked, or may acknowledge that they don’t have the skills or resources to change.
• Managing your expectations. A lot of us hold quite rigid ideas about how a person “should” behave. This is usually because we expect other people to behave the way that we would in the same situation, and it feels uncomfortable if they don’t meet that expectation. If the other person isn’t willing or able to make a change, then you may choose to alter your expectations so that the behaviour no longer disappoints or frustrates you.
• Adjust your own behaviour to limit the problem. You can’t change how someone else acts, but you can alter your own behaviour. For example, if someone keeps blabbing your secrets to their friends, you could stop sharing private information with them. If your boss continues to call or text after hours, you can choose not to answer their calls. Creating and enforcing your own boundaries can be a truly empowering step.
• Work with your own emotions around the behaviours. Gaining understanding and insight into your own emotional responses can give you the ability to regulate your own emotions and identify if there are needs that are going unmet. It also gives you an opportunity to self-soothe and take responsibility for yourself in emotionally-activating situations where there isn’t a possibility of changing the external circumstances. For example, if you are non-monogamous and feel anxious when your partner is out on a date with someone new, learning to understand and work with your own feelings allows you to take care of yourself without asking them to cancel their date or miss out on something they’re looking forward to.

Shifting your mindset, letting go of the desire to control other’s and taking charge of your own thoughts and behaviours isn’t easy, and often requires support. I can help you through this process in a gentle and non-judgemental way that focuses on finding workable solutions that make sense to you.