Polyamory can be wonderful. It can open up amazing opportunities for connection, give you a chance to get to know yourself better and give you a wealth of new experiences. It can also be really freaking hard! Navigating multiple relationships (often with people who also have multiple relationships) has a way of jumping on every raw nerve and bringing all your insecurities to the forefront.

I work with a lot of non-monogamous clients to navigate relationship issues and challenging emotions. I see the same issues come up over and over, both in people new to non-monogamy and those who have been polyamorous for years.

I’ve been considering the common issues that tend to come up for my non-monogamous clients, and what they could have done to lessen the pain and challenges they’re facing. I’ve come up with a list of 4 things I think everyone would benefit from doing before exploring non-monogamy. Even if you’ve been polyamorous for a while, you might like to delve deeper into a few of these to sharpen your relationship skills.

1. Clearly identify your relationship needs

A lot of folks enter a relationship without thinking about what they’re actually looking for. They end up trying to morph their goals and needs to fit what their partner can offer, rather than looking for a relationship that meets their needs. This is a recipe for disappointment and resentment.

In polyamory, its extra-important to be able to tell your current or potential partners what your needs are so they can communicate their capacity to meet them. Knowing what you need to feel safe, happy and secure in a relationship will also help you to identify when things aren’t working out, or when you need to ask for something extra.

Take some time to consider what you really need in a relationship to feel happy and fulfilled. Is it lots of quality time with your partner? Is it someone who will participate in certain activities? Is it a certain style of communication? Maybe you need a partner who is open to living together, or someone who wants children? Be honest and clear, with the understanding that this list is likely to change with time.

2. Identify any relationship patterns

Have a think about the relationships you’ve been in previously. Are there any patterns that emerge? Maybe you’ve gravitated towards people with certain personality types or ways of relating? Perhaps you have a tendency to become anxious about the relationship ending, or start to pull away from your partner if you feel like things are rocky. Do you avoid conflict or pick fights with your partner?

If there are common threads or patterns of behaviour that emerge in many of your intimate relationships, this can highlight an insecurity or issue that needs to be worked on. The good news is, you don’t have to wait to be in a relationship to work on your patterns of relating. Identifying these things and taking accountability for them helps you to break unhelpful relationship patterns and craft healthier relationships in the future.

3. Learn how to regulate and work with big emotions

Most of us were never taught to identify and regulate our emotions as children. It’s likely that you’ve made it to adulthood with a pretty limited toolbox for dealing with big and uncomfortable emotions. If that’s the case, now is the time to start gathering more effective tools.

Gaining an understanding of how you experience big emotions, and developing healthier ways to self-soothe and work through those feelings will help you to build healthier intimate relationships. Polyamory has a way of amplifying our emotions, and you’re likely to have emotional responses to things you might not have anticipated would be challenging. It’s so much easier to deal with this if you already have good emotional coping strategies.

4. Get comfortable with being alone

While you might think that being non-monogamous means that you’ll never be lonely or alone again, the truth is that there are going to be lots of times when you’re by yourself. Even if you have multiple partners, there are bound to be times where everyone is busy and you have to fly solo. If you struggle to be alone, this is going to be challenging.

Take the time to learn to enjoy your own company. Get to know yourself, indulge in activities that leave your feeling fulfilled, identify your strengths and the things you love about yourself.

If you’re comfy in your own company, it makes it easier to authentically choose to spend time with people, rather than filling your calendar or starting relationships with people you don’t mesh with simply because you don’t want to be alone.

If you’re non-monogamous and you’re struggling with relationship challenges, I’d love to give you a hand. I can provide a safe space to talk about your worries, fears and struggles and find practical solutions that work for you.