When you’re deep in the throes of grief, taking care of yourself can seem impossible. Even the simplest of things: taking a shower, eating a meal, getting up off the couch, can seem like a monumental effort. Even though it’s challenging, there are some small things that you can do to look after yourself as you grieve.

Prioritize rest

Grief is absolutely exhausting. Re-orienting your internal world to adjust to the loss of a person, relationship or role takes a huge amount of mental energy. Strong emotions like sadness, anger, guilt and longing also drain our resources and leave you feeling wrung-out. It’s ok to take the time you need to rest. Sleep late, go to bed early, snuggle on the couch, just take it easy.

Talk it through

Expressing your thoughts and emotions to someone you trust gives you a chance to find comfort, validation and empathy. I can’t overstate the importance of having someone to truly listen to you and hold space for what you’re going through. It will help you to feel less alone, and reduce some of the fear and anxiety that you might be feeling about the unknowns ahead.

Find sensory comforts

When you’re in emotional pain, it becomes more difficult to tolerate physical discomfort. Even small irritations can be hard to bear when you’re struggling. Find small ways to nurture your senses, and indulge in things that feel comfortable and calming. Wearing comfy clothes, avoiding bright lights, listening to soft music, wrapping up in a cosy blanket and using an oil diffuser are all great ways to create a calming sensory experience. Choosing things that feel soft and comforting will allow your body to relax and feel safe so that your emotions can flow freely.

Go at your own pace

There is a lot of pressure to move through the milestones of grief quickly. You might have friends telling you to come out and socialize, or be fielding questions about when you’re going to give away your loved ones’ belongings. Maybe you’ve gone through a breakup and your people keep asking you when you’re going to begin dating again. And this can be hard to navigate when you’re simply not ready.

You don’t have to grieve to anyone else’s timeline. You’re the expert of your own needs and emotions and it’s perfectly ok to go at your own pace. Take your time, go as slowly as you need to and really give yourself space to move through this experience.

Feel your emotions

Grief brings up a whole bunch of strong emotions, such as sadness, anger, guilt, regret and helplessness. Give yourself permission to really feel your emotions, to let them do their work. What do I mean by this? I mean letting the emotions come up and feel them in your body. Cry if you need to, notice the sensations in your body, connect with the message of the emotion. Allow them to be there without trying to push them away. It can be painful or difficult to do this, and you might find it helpful to have someone you trust to support you when your emotions are really strong.

It’s also really important to allow yourself to feel positive emotions while you’re grieving. Sometimes, people who have experienced a loss might feel guilty if they find themselves laughing at a joke, or feeling the warm glow of affection. Feeling happy or laughing or smiling doesn’t mean that you didn’t care about the person who has died. It doesn’t mean that you’re cold and uncaring. It just means that you’re a person who feels a complex range of emotions at different times. Don’t be tempted to push the positive emotions away out of guilt or shame.

Take breaks

You don’t have to grieve all the time. It’s perfectly ok to distract yourself by going out with friends, watching a movie, doing a hobby that brings you joy. As I’ve said before, grief is mentally and physically exhausting and it’s ok to put the burden down from time to time and do something else. You’re not a bad person for doing this, it’s a very healthy and loving thing that you can do for yourself when the grief becomes too much.

Looking after yourself can be a real challenge when you’ve gone through a loss or big transition. Be kind and gentle to yourself and focus on the small ways that you can show yourself kindness and care while you’re healing.