If a friend or loved one has experienced a significant loss, it can be hard to know the right thing to do. You want to be there for them, to offer comfort and support but you’re not quite sure how.

It can be tempting to rush in with lots of advice, to try to cheer them up and get them feeling back to “normal”. However, taking this approach is likely to leave your friend feeling invalidated or dismissed. Here are a few things that you can do which will genuinely help the person who is grieving.

Accept your limitations

It’s so hard to watch someone you love when they’re in pain. All you want to do is swoop in and fix the problem, make it better and get them back to their happy self. But here’s a hard truth: you can’t bring back what’s been lost. You can’t fix the problem. Your friend has experienced something that is going to impact them for a long time and there’s no altering that. But what you can do is support them while they’re grieving.

Just be there with them

The single most supportive thing that you can do for a friend that’s grieving is to simply be there. Whether you can be physically present, or listening on the other end of the phone, your presence is the most valuable thing you have to offer. Hold them while they cry, listen to them as they tell you what’s in their head, sit by them as they mourn. Grief is so often swept away and experienced only in isolation, but there is power in witnessing and validating the person’s experience so that they don’t feel alone in their emotions.

Let them feel their emotions

It can be really tempting to try to cheer someone up when they’re feeling sad. If you’re uncomfortable with emotions like sadness, anger, disappointment and regret it might be especially hard to sit with someone who is going through these things without trying to change them. You might find yourself trying to reframe what they’re going through by saying things like “Well, everything happens for a reason”, or “Dry your eyes, they wouldn’t want you to be sad”. Rather than trying to turn things around, simply acknowledge what the person is feeling. Give them an opportunity to describe what’s going on without judging or trying to change it. Grief sucks and it hurts even more when you feel like nobody else gets it. So be the person who is willing to listen and truly understand.

Be patient

Grief doesn’t have a time frame. It isn’t linear, and some days it’s strong and others it’s just wafting in the background. It might take your friend months, or years to feel like they’ve fully moved forward through their grief. And it’s really important that you don’t try to rush them. Be patient with their timeline, allow them to go at their own pace. Continue to extend invitations, but don’t be discouraged if they’re not ready to go out yet. Keep reassuring them that you’ll be here for them, no matter how long it takes.

Find practical ways to support

When you’re grieving, your cognitive capacity is reduced. That means that things like planning, decision-making and logic can go out the window. Often people will tell people who are grieving “Just let me know what you need!”, but they don’t have the capability to voice their needs right now. Instead, try to find ways to offer practical support while maintaining their autonomy. For example, you could tell them “I’m heading to the shops and I’d like to pick you up some groceries. Is there anything you’d like?”. You could arrange to have dinner delivered (something they can pop into the fridge if they don’t feel like eating right now) or call over to walk their dogs or do some laundry. Find small, practical ways to support them that takes the burden of everyday life off their shoulders during this difficult time.

Supporting someone through grief is a challenge, because you can’t fix what’s been broken and you can’t cheer them up. But never underestimate the power of simply being present and witnessing their emotions with compassion and grace. Sometimes, that’s the most you can do.