There are so many emotions that arise in periods of grief, but guilt is one of the most prominent. Sometimes that’s guilt over the things that were left unsaid, or feeling like you should have done more. Often, guilt pertains to the emotions that come up when we’re grieving, or sometimes the lack of emotion that can be present.

I will often hear clients tell me “I’ve lost someone special and I miss them dearly. There are times when I feel desperately sad and I cry for hours. But other times it’s like I forget that I’m meant to be grieving. I can go out with friends or lose myself in work, and I feel ok for a while. Does this mean I don’t really miss the person I’ve lost? Is there something wrong with me?”

There is so much guilt wrapped up in the way that we’re “supposed” to feel and the way that we’re “meant to” express those emotions. So when you experience grief and it doesn’t look like that expectation you might feel like you’re doing it wrong.

Here’s the thing: grief is a massive emotional experience. It’s draining and tiring and hard. It takes so much physical and mental energy to move through it. It means completely reorienting your world and coming to terms with the loss of someone or something that mattered to you. And it takes time. You can’t possibly feel the full weight of grief all at once, it would be too overwhelming. So it’s normal to move between periods of intense grief and then periods of feeling fairly neutral or even positive.

It’s kind of like your mind knows how much pain you can handle. So it drip-feeds the grief to you in a dosage that won’t completely overwhelm you. Then, when you’ve had enough, it swings you out of that deep grief and into a more “regular” mode of functioning. This means that you may still be able to do your daily tasks, take care of yourself or others, go to work and engage in friendships without being swallowed by grief. It doesn’t mean that you didn’t love the person that you’ve lost, or that you’re cold and unfeeling, or even that you’re “over it”. It is natural to move back and forth between active grieving and more regular activities.

This kind of oscillation between actively grieving and living your regular life is a protective function. It’s a way that our mind looks after us and helps us to survive without crumbling under the weight of grief.

Of course, it’s also possible that you might feel completely stuck in your grief, especially if the loss is recent or if it was particularly significant. That’s ok too.

Grief is incredibly personal, and there’s no “right” way to feel or express it. Grief counselling can be helpful if you’re struggling with feelings of guilt, shame or confusion with your emotions or behaviour. It can be helpful to speak to someone who has a good understanding of grief, who will help to normalise what you’re going through and really listen to you when you talk about what you’ve lost.

If you’re struggling with grief, and you’d like to chat to someone, I’d be happy to help you out. Please feel encouraged to reach out and make an appointment or ask a question.