RUOK Day is just around the corner. Although I welcome any initiative that encourages people to chat about their mental health, I also know that RUOK Day comes with a few challenges. There are plenty of people who feel a lot of anxiety around asking a friend “Are you OK?” because they’re not sure what to do if the answer is “No”. This may create a reluctance to ask the question in the first place, and may broadcast feelings of discomfort which makes it hard for the other person to answer honestly.

I want to chat a bit about what you can do if a friend or family member tells you that they’re not OK, so that you can feel confident asking the question and offering support if it’s needed.

Just be there

When someone tells you that they’re struggling, you might feel tempted to jump in to try to cheer them up or offer potential solutions to their problem. While this may seem like a kind and helpful gesture, it can make the person on the receiving end feel invalidated, like you aren’t really listening to them. They might feel as though you’re not taking them seriously, or you’re trying to brush them off.

Instead, just be there with them. You don’t have to offer any profound wisdom or solutions, just be present. Listen to them while they talk, acknowledge what they’re telling you, hold them while they cry and be patient with them. Never underestimate the power of simply being there with someone while they go through a difficult time. Giving them the opportunity to express themselves without fear of judgement, letting them feel heard, cared for and safe can go a long way towards supporting someone who is struggling.

Ask the hard questions

The idea of asking someone if they’ve been self-harming or thinking about suicide can be really frightening. Not only are these really taboo topics, but you might be afraid that talking about self-harm might put the idea into the other person’s head. You might also feel frightened that if you ask someone “Are you thinking of ending your life?” they might become offended and upset with you.

Here’s the thing: that question is hard to ask and it’s hard to hear, but it could literally save a person’s life. Being brave enough to calmly and gently raise the topic might give that person the opportunity to finally tell someone how badly they’re hurting and get help. If you have any suspicion at all that the person you’re talking to might be in danger, it is worthwhile asking them and receiving their answer without judgement.

Support them to access help if needed

There are plenty of supports available for someone who is struggling with their mental health, but sometimes taking the step to connect with services is too challenging for them. Perhaps they’re not sure where to start, or they might not feel “worthy” of help or that their problems are “bad enough” to warrant seeking support.

That’s where you can be a real help. You can assist them to find out what options are available, and support them to make an appointment. If that’s too difficult for them, you could ask for their permission to call on their behalf.

It can be tricky to know where to begin looking for help. If in doubt, Lifeline (13 11 14) and Beyond Blue (1300 224 636) are a good starting point. They can talk you through the options available and help you to decide what to do next. If the person is struggling, but they aren’t in immediate danger, they might benefit from booking an appointment with their GP.

If the person that you’re talking to tells you that they’re in danger of self-harm or suicide, you can call the Suicide Callback Service (1300 659 467) for free crisis counselling.

Keep checking in

Support will be needed beyond that initial conversation. Once a person has told you that they’re having a hard time, it’s really important to keep checking in with them regularly. Sending a text each day, inviting them to do things with you or asking if they need help can give them an anchor when things are rough. Although you might feel worried about annoying them, they’ll probably be very appreciative of the assistance. When you’re feeling low, actually asking for help can feel impossible. They might know they need something, but they aren’t quite sure what it is or how to ask for it. Being the person who will offer options is a tangible, positive way for you to help.

Don’t hold back on asking someone if they’re alright because you aren’t sure what to do next. Supporting someone who is struggling doesn’t have to be complicated or difficult. Simply being present and offering a kind ear with no judgement or shame can go a long way towards helping someone you care for out of a challenging time.

If you or someone you love is struggling, don’t hesitate to reach out to crisis support for help or advice. Everyone is worthy of help, and you don’t have to wait until things are dire to reach out for support.