In recent years, social media has been flooded with therapy content. Tiktok and Instagram abound with videos about a variety of mental health and therapy-related topics. In a lot of ways, this is a fantastic thing, because it’s opened people’s minds and sparked curiosity and learning. On the other hand, it can open the door to misunderstandings about psychological concepts which may not always be helpful.

One theory that has leaked into the mainstream consciousness is Attachment Theory. This theory, created by Bowlsby and Ainsworth in the 1960s, attempts to explain the relational patterns in our close relationships. The theory encompasses 4 attachment styles (Secure, Insecure/avoidant, Insecure/anxious and Insecure/disorganized) and attempts to use these archetypes to explain the way that we behave in our close, intimate relationships. It’s a well-accepted and very useful theory, particularly for those who are seeking to work on their relationships or understand why they continue to act out unhelpful behavioural patterns. However, there are a couple of things that most people don’t fully understand about Attachment Theory. Today, I wanted to take a moment to debunk a few myths about this popular theory.

Your attachment style is fixed and can’t be changed.

I’ve heard people refer to their attachment style in the same way that they might talk about their astrological sign. A lot of people hold to the idea that your attachment style is something that’s permanent, a category that you fall within and there’s no way to change it. This simply isn’t the case. It’s possible to move between attachment styles and break patterns of behaviour. Someone who has always experienced secure attachment may experience a trauma and suddenly adopt an insecure attachment type. On the flipside, those who have displayed insecure attachments in the past can learn to address these patterns and become more secure in their close relationships. This offers hope and highlights the amazing capacity of human beings to grow and make changes.

You only have one attachment style

People often identify closely with just one attachment style, and assume that this style will play out in all of their personal relationships. But did you know that one person can display different attachment styles in different relationships? It’s true! You might have secure attachments in most of your close relationships, but if there’s one close friend or partner who pokes at an old wound or triggers and old pattern you might notice some insecure attachment behaviours bubbling up in that relationship only. Relationships are complex, and it’s possible to experience multiple attachments styles across all of your close relationships, depending on the context and the people in that relationship.

Your attachment style comes from your childhood

Originally, Attachment Theory proposed that the way we learn to create close bonds with important people is influenced by our relationship with our parents when we’re babies. It looked at the quality of the relationship between caregiver and child: whether the caregiver was reliably present when needed, if they were warm and kind, whether they were distant or overly close or if they were abusive. The theory originally held up our relationships with our primary caregivers as the main blueprint for our adult relationships.

And while that relationship is still a really important factor, it’s not the only relationship that can impact your attachment style. Your experiences as a teenager or adult can also shape the way you behave in close relationships. Other important relationships, such as those with grandparents, siblings, friends and romantic partners, also play a role in developing your attachment style. So it’s important to look at patterns that flow throughout all of your close relationships, as well as significant experiences that might have influenced the way you form close bonds with others, rather than just blaming your relational challenges on your parents.

It’s very useful to understand how you tend to behave in close relationships, and the experiences that shaped those patterns in order to address challenges that arise in your personal relationships. When a client comes to me with a relationship issue, I love working with them to explore attachment theory and gain a better understanding of how they’re showing up in their relationships. It can be very healing to examine the ways that a relationship might be poking at an old attachment wound in order to begin mending that rift. Often, when people are able to address insecure attachment patterns in one relationship, it can be easier to repair those patterns in other existing relationships, and avoid them in future ones.

Attachment theory also offers hope in the knowledge that it’s possible to make changes, that we aren’t fixed in place and we can alter deeply ingrained patterns in order to grow. One of my favourite things about working as a counsellor is witnessing the incredible capacity of human beings to change. I love working to support people who want to make adjustments in their life to reach their goals or heal old wounds.

If you’re experiencing relationship challenges, or would like to explore your own attachment patterns more deeply, please feel encouraged to book an appointment with me. I’d love to help you out.