As a grief counsellor, I work with a lot of clients who are grieving the end of a relationship. Working through a breakup can be a very painful process, and one that most people struggle with. Even if the relationship ended for good reasons, it can still be hard to let go. Although you might expect a breakup to be difficult, there are often unexpected pain points that might come as a surprise. Today, I wanted to delve into four things that make it really tricky to move on after a relationship ends.

Establishing new routines

When you’ve been with someone for a long time, you tend to have predictable relationship routines. You call each other at the same time each day, you text them during your lunch break, you have a set date night each week or a specific place that you always visit together. When the relationship ends, the habits and routines don’t automatically halt. You still reach for your phone to text them at lunchtime. You automatically check to see if they’ve called you. You get a calendar pop-up that date night is tonight. Each one of these little reminders can be jarring, alerting you to the fact that things have changed, and life as you knew it is no more.

I often help clients to identify these routines and find new ways to fill those moments. This not only helps to ease the pain of change, but gives you an opportunity to engage with things that are meaningful and comforting to you.

Letting go of hopes and dreams

Part of the grief of a breakup comes from your unfulfilled hopes for the future. The thought of all the adventures you wanted to share. The dreams you may have had of getting married and starting a family, of travelling, of building a life together. Those things that once felt hopeful and joyful suddenly bring tears to your eyes.

In counselling, you’ll have a safe space to talk about the things that you hoped would happen, and the emotions that they bring up. There’s no judgement or harsh words, just comfort and empathy. Sometimes, talking them through can be enough to help you let them go. Other times, you might need some strategies to allow you to grief these losses and move forward.

Love’s still there, but it’s not enough

Most of the time, relationships don’t end because people suddenly start hating each other, or because one person does something seriously wrong. A lot of the time, people simply grow apart or become aware that they aren’t capable of meeting each other’s needs. When this happens, you might still love your partner, but that love isn’t enough to sustain a healthy relationship. As much as I adore the Beatles, I don’t believe that “Love is all you need” to have a long and happy relationship. And ending a relationship where love is still present is really hard.

The author Jamie Anderson once said “Grief is love with no place to go”, and I love this quote because it so beautifully sums up the reason that it hurts so much to leave a relationship where love still exists. Because that love is still there, we still feel it but can’t express it. And so it becomes grief.

Working with a grief counsellor like myself can help you to move through those feelings of grief, as well as manage feelings of anger, failure and disappointment.

Fears about the future

Plenty of folks remain in unhappy relationships because they’re afraid that they won’t be able to find anything better. You might feel scared to break up with someone that you know isn’t right for you because you feel scared that you’ll never find anyone who is. Sometimes, after you’ve worked up the courage to call it off, you might be hit with a wave of doubt and fear. “What have I done?”

It’s really normal to feel this way after making a big change in your life. It’s very common to have doubts when faced with a world of unknowns, even if what you left behind wasn’t all that great. This is especially true if you struggle with low self-esteem.

In counselling, we can work together to build up your self-image and help you to see how valuable you are. You can learn tools to increase your resilience and help you to navigate change. And sometimes, all you need is someone to reassure you that you’re doing a good job and affirm your bravery.

Nobody expects a break up to be easy, but those hidden pockets of pain can be especially hard to deal with. If you’re at the end of a relationship and you want some help managing the challenges you’re facing, please reach out and book an appointment. I’d love to help you through this difficult time.