Each one of us is a product of our past experiences. From the time we’re tiny children, we begin forming habits and patterns of doing things. The way we act and react is informed by the way we’ve behaved in the past, and by the results of that behaviour. Sometimes we hang onto ways of behaving that aren’t actually helpful. We keep repeating the same patterns over and over, and feel frustrated when things never quite pan out the way we want them to. It takes time and effort to break these patterns, and working through them in counselling can help you to gain perspective and make positive changes.

Let me give you an example. Let’s pretend that as a small child, you’d withdraw into yourself when you feel upset or hurt. You’d go quiet at school or spend time in your room at home. Eventually, your parent, a teacher or a friend would check in on you and ask what’s wrong. They’d listen to you, comfort you and apologize if they were the one that hurt you. And then you’d feel better.

As an adult, whenever you’re upset with your partner, you withdraw. You give them the cold shoulder, refuse to speak to them or give them affection. You wait and wait for them to come to you to ask what’s wrong, and if they don’t you begin to feel resentful. “Don’t they know I’m hurting?” you might think. You continue to stew in your thoughts, becoming more angry and upset and feeling sad that your partner doesn’t seem to notice that you’re upset.

Eventually, this type of behaviour might lead to deep-seated feelings of resentment, or a dysfunctional relationship dynamic, or even the end of a relationship. Things that could all be avoided if you could clearly communicate your needs and emotions to your partner so that they could give you what you need. In this scenario, the old pattern of behaviour works against you, and makes it harder for you to get the affection, comfort and security that you’re craving.

The patterns of behaviour that worked for us as kids don’t always serve us as adults. You might feel frustrated or upset if the same pattern keeps playing out in your relationships, or if you seem to find yourself making the same mistakes over and over. So why do we continue to fall back on these unhelpful patterns?

It’s important to recognise that at one point, this pattern worked for us. There was probably a point in time where this way of behaving gave us the thing that we were seeking. Affection, attention, comfort, safety, reassurance. As adults, we still need a lot of the same things that we did as kids, but the way we go about getting those needs met needs to change.

So why don’t we change our behaviour? The simple reason is that it’s much easier to do something familiar than it is to do something different. It’s hard to break habits and try something new, especially if that puts us in a vulnerable place and creates a risk that we might not get what we want. It’s simpler to keep behaving the way we always have and hope that it pays off than it is to examine our behaviour and try something different.

That’s where I come in. I can help you to identify the unhelpful patterns of behaviour that are playing out in your life. Together, we can explore the origins of that behaviour and the needs you’re trying to meet by behaving this way. I can give you a hand finding new ways of doing things, and support you as you work through the process of making those changes. Breaking old patterns of behaviour can be really hard, but you don’t have to do it all on your own. Together, we can figure out the reasons behind that unhelpful behaviour, and find healthier ways of getting your needs met and making positive change in your life.