I work with a lot of LGBTQIA+ clients around the exploration of their identity. A lot of my clients will come to our first session and say something like “I know that I’m not straight, but I’m not exactly sure where I fit into the LGBTQIA+ acronym”. It’s quite common for folks to feel unsure around the label they should place on their identity.

For some, finding the right label to describe how they identify is really important to them. They feel a pull towards exploring and defining their identity, their gender or their sexuality, to understand it’s limits and what it means to them. Finding their label creates a sense of pride, it gives them the ability to say definitively, “I am ….”. Putting a label on your identity also gives you the opportunity to connect with other people who share that label, and to have the support and camaraderie that comes from finding folks who are like you.

Having a label also makes it a little bit easier to explain your identity and experience to other people. It’s much easier to have just one word that encapsulates your sexuality or gender, rather than having to launch into your personal story every time you want to share that aspect of yourself.

For others, there is no sense of urgency or need to define their sexuality or gender. Some folks come to me because they’re feeling pressure from the people around them to “find their label”. Others are perfectly content to describe themselves as “queer” or “not straight” and that’s enough for them. They feel no need to explore any further than that.

There are still others who actively resist labelling themselves, because they find the labels restrictive, or they’ve yet to come across one that perfectly describes their sexuality or gender.

And then there are the folks who are redefining or revising their label. This is the scenario where I see the most distress or confusion. Sometimes, a person will have identified a particular way for most of their life and have had great pride in that label. Then, an event or connection emerges that changes the way their see their sexuality and themselves. A lifelong lesbian falls in love with a man, a bisexual person realises that “pansexuality” better describes their experience with attraction, a person begins exploring their gender and wonders if they might be non-binary. It is the revising of labels that seems to generate the most dissonance, especially if the person has previously felt sure of the label that no longer fits them. Revising a label means recognising change, acknowledging that we can know ourselves very well and still be surprised. It can involve coming out all over again, which can be challenging and confronting.

So are labels actually important? The short and nebulous answer is: maybe. Really a label is important only if it matters to you. If you feel a pull to “find your label”, if there’s comfort in definition or you wish to seek likeminded community, then it will be important for you to find the label that fits you. On the other hand, if you’re not particularly fussed, then it doesn’t actually matter. If you are content to accept that you’re “not straight” and leave it at that, that’s perfectly fine.

If you are grappling with finding your label, changing your label or resisting the pressure to “choose” a label, counselling might be a useful tool for you. I can help you to explore your identity, sexuality and gender, provide suggestions and information and assist you to figure out what’s right for you.