Last night, I was re-watching an episode of Ted Lasso (my favourite) and I had to pause for thought. Two characters were talking about whether they’ve been to therapy, and one says to the other “Why would I pay someone to do what a friend should do for free?” This question intrigued me, and I wanted to take a bit of time to unpack it. So, why should you see a counsellor rather than just talking to your friends about your problems?

A counsellor is trained, your friend (probably) isn’t.

First and foremost, the biggest difference between your counsellor and a friend is years of education and experience. Your friend might be the cleverest, most insightful person in the world, but they’re probably not a trained professional. If you’re just looking for someone to listen, a friend can help. But if you want to dive deeper and make real progress, you need to see a counsellor.

Counsellors do so much more than just listen. We’re trained to help you to feel safe and secure so that you can open up. We know how to ask questions that help you to consider things from different angles and dive more deeply into challenging topics. We can give you a range of evidence-based techniques to try and help you to understand why certain patterns and behaviours keep popping up for you. And we can help you to set goals and work methodically towards them. We draw on years of training and expertise to help you with these challenges, which is something a friend can’t offer.

A counsellor is impartial

Your mates are enmeshed with your life. They know your family, your partner, your other friends and have opinions about all of them. Even if your friend wants to help, chances are they’ll struggle to keep their own opinions and ideas out of it when they’re offering advice or comfort.

A counsellor on the other hand, is completely impartial. We have no skin in the game. Our number one priority is to listen to you and help you to find a way forward that works for you. We leave our own opinions, values and beliefs at the door and focus on finding solutions based on your needs and wants.

You can say thing to a counsellor that you can’t say to a friend

Even if you and your friend are super close, chances are there are things that you wouldn’t feel comfortable sharing with them. You might be grappling with some really unpleasant emotions or thoughts and feel frightened that it would change the way they see you if they knew. You might have secrets that you don’t want to tell them for fear of spoiling your friendship. Or maybe you’re worried about being “ugly” in front of them, having an emotional outburst or talking about things that feel really dark and sticky.

There’s something freeing about speaking to someone you don’t know about the hard stuff. You can say things to a counsellor without worrying about hurting their feelings, without being concerned that they’re going to judge you or think that you’re strange. We’ve heard it all before, and we deal in big emotions all day long. Plus, your counselling sessions are confidential so everything you discuss in the session remains under wraps.

There is no expectation of reciprocity with a counsellor

As harsh at it sounds, one of the beautiful parts of seeing a counsellor is that you don’t need to care about your counsellor’s life, feelings or problems. You are paying for 45 minutes of pure, undivided attention and support. It is All About You. We aren’t going to stop halfway through to talk about what’s on my mind or the personal problems I’m dealing with. I’m not going to flip things around and make it all about me.

Sometimes it can feel challenging to share with a friend because there is an expectation that one day, you’ll do the same for them. That can be tricky if you don’t have the emotional bandwidth to help someone else, or if your friend has a tendency to make every conversation about them. Friendship is about give and take, but the counselling relationship is a professional arrangement.

A counsellor will encourage you to confront the tricky stuff

When you talk to a friend about your problem, they’ll probably be quite gentle and sweet. They’ll comfort you and say encouraging things and cast you in the role of hero and champion. And sometimes, that’s just what we need. We need a cheerleader that’s going to tell us we’re awesome and not focus on the things we could improve upon.

On the other hand, a counsellor will encourage you to look at problems from all facets. We can draw attention to the areas of your life where you’re sabotaging yourself, encourage you to take responsibility for your mistakes and support you to make positive changes. We’ll encourage you to dig deeper and confront painful experiences and emotions so that you can heal and move on. A counsellor is much less likely to sugar-coat the experience, but we’ll gently lead you through a process of honest reflection and positive change. And you’re likely to experience a real, lasting impact when you go through this process with a trained counsellor.

Your friends aren’t always available or willing to listen

Your friends may not always be available when you need them. They might be snowed under at work, or dealing with family troubles or going through their own rough time. Your friends might not know how to help you, especially in the face of a significant loss or big life event. They may lack the skills and resources to meet your needs. A counsellor, on the other hand, will be there any time you book an appointment. You’ll have support and assistance on-tap when you engage with a counsellor.

While it’s amazing to have the support of friends, they can’t offer the same thing that a counsellor does. A counsellor does so much more than simply listening and comforting. I can utilize my years of education and expertise to work on your challenges in a methodical way, helping you to feel safe and move towards your goals at your own pace. Ideally, it’s wonderful to have both a supportive friendship group as well as professional assistance when you’re going through a challenge, because they each offer valuable things that you need when you’re struggling.