We’ve all heard the phrase, “Everyone you know is fighting a battle you know nothing about, be kind, always” and many of us put this into practice every day. You might find it easy to give a gentle smile to each person you pass on your morning walk, be patient with the barista who is making your coffee or offer a sympathetic ear to a co-worker. Most of us find it quite easy to extend kindness to the people fighting mysterious battles we have no knowledge of. And yet, although you’re well acquainted with your personal battles, it can be a genuine struggle to be kind to yourself.

The inside of your head might be a minefield of negative thoughts, self-criticism and impossibly high standards. Although you have no problem speaking gently and positively to those around you, the words you say to yourself are barbed and harsh. You can forgive and offer patience to the people in your world when they make a mistake or struggle, and yet you internally berate and belittle yourself for not doing things the way you “should”. Why is it such a challenge to turn that kindness and gentleness inwards, and treat yourself with compassion?

You have low self esteem

Treating yourself kindly can be extremely difficult if you don’t believe in your own value and worth. If you believe, deep down, that you’re less important than the people around you then it can be hard to believe that you’re worthy of kindness. If you find it easy to be kind and patient with others, ask yourself “Do I believe that I’m less deserving of that kindness and patience?” It’s very possible that you feel that the need for kindness “doesn’t apply” to you for some reason that is grounded in a lack of self-esteem.

Self-criticism has been modelled to you from a young age

When you were growing up, did the adults around you speak highly of themselves? Or did they offer up long lists of the things they hated about themselves, things they wanted to change? Did they put themselves down, or compare themselves unfavorably to their friends or colleagues? If you answered “yes”, it’s likely that you’ve taken on these messages and learned to view yourself through a critical lens. If you’re surrounded by people who don’t treat themselves with kindness and compassion, then this type of behaviour can become normalized.

You grew up hearing mostly negative things about yourself

When you think back to your childhood, do you have memories of the people close to you saying nice things about you? Or can you only recall the moments where they pointed out your shortcomings or the things you were doing wrong? Were you bullied at school? Were you singled out by teachers or shamed in front of your peers? If you didn’t often receive praise or compliments when you were small, you might grow up believing that you’re a “bad person” or that there isn’t much about you to be happy about. If you were targeted for bullying or harsh treatment, you might believe that there was something the matter with you to warrant that treatment. These painful memories can echo forward into the present, making it tricky for you to find a reason to be kind and gentle with yourself.

You live in a world that encourages self-criticism

In Australia especially, Tall Poppy Syndrome is alive and well. This is a phenomenon where people who excel become the butt of criticism. There’s a pervasive cultural idea that if someone starts to get a bit too confident, we need to take them down a notch. Nobody wants to seem arrogant, over-confident or “up themselves”, and this impacts the way we think about and talk to ourselves. You might feel tentative about talking about your own achievements or the things you feel proud of for fear of seeming a little too big for your boots and attracting criticism. We tear ourselves down from within to keep ourselves safe from external criticism. It can feel scary to offer kindness to yourself if you live in a world that encourages you to stay small and humble.

You believe that negative self-talk is motivating

Negative self-talk is particularly common with people who are perfectionists or who are really driven to achieve. If you’re a highly-driven person, you might be holding on to the belief that you need to speak harshly to yourself in order to keep moving towards your goals. You might feel frightened that if you ease off and offer yourself kindness, then you’ll “let yourself go” and won’t be as motivated to do all the things you feel you “Should” do. You hold yourself to impossibly high standards and fuel your momentum with fear and shame. Breaking this habit can feel frightening if your identity is wrapped up in your successes, and if you believe that you won’t be able to continue striving without a constant stream of harsh words inside your head.

All of these reasons and more can make it so difficult to be kind to ourselves. You might be aware that you’re treating yourself unkindly, and you might even know the reasons why, and still you might feel at a loss to break those patterns and turn it around. If that resonates with you, you’re not alone. It can be challenging to address negative thinking and begin offering yourself gentleness and compassion. It takes time, dedication and a willingness to face your fears and insecurities. If you’d like to begin doing this work and you’d like some support, please get in touch with me. I’d love to help you out and empower you to begin treating yourself with the kindness you deserve.