Bisexual erasure is a tricky subject to talk about. For starters, it’s a concept that most people have likely never heard of. It’s an idea that can be easily dismissed by those who aren’t impacted by it, but for those who are it can be distressing and isolating. It also touches on some ideas or beliefs that can be uncomfortable to confront. But it’s a big issue for those who identify as bisexual (or pansexual) so it’s important to tease it out.

Let’s begin with a definition. Bisexual erasure refers to the belief that bisexuality isn’t “real” or a dismissive attitude towards bisexual identities. It includes beliefs such as:

• People who are bisexual are just confused about their sexuality
• People who identify as bisexual will eventually decide that they’re either straight or gay
• Bisexuality is just an excuse to be promiscuous
• Bisexuality is a “phase”
• In order to be bisexual, you have to be attracted to people of your own gender and people of other genders in equal proportion
• You can’t really know that you’re bisexual unless you’ve had romantic/sexual experiences and relationships with people of other genders.

Bisexual erasure can have an enormous impact on people who identify as bisexual. In particular, it can create feelings of confusion when someone first begins exploring their sexuality. For someone who finds themselves attracted to people of more than one gender, they might struggle to identify what’s going on if they believe that a person can only be attracted to one gender. It might take them longer to realise their bisexuality or pansexuality and it could lead to feelings of self-doubt or even self-loathing when they reach this conclusion.

Even for folks who have confidently identified that they’re bisexual or pansexual, bisexual erasure can have negative impacts. It can be devastating when the people around you don’t accept your identity or believe that what you’re feeling is “real”. If you’ve been vulnerable enough to tell someone about your sexuality, and they respond with doubt or dismissiveness, this can be a huge blow to your self-confidence and sense of self-worth.

Some bisexual and pansexual people feel uncomfortable identifying with the queer community, attending LGBTQIA+ events or spaces. They might be frightened that they’re “Not queer enough” to be a part of these events and groups, and worry about being questioned or mocked for their identity. This is especially true for bisexual people who are in relationships that appear (from the outside) to be heterosexual. They may feel a sense of needing to “prove” their sexuality or feel frightened of what to say if someone asks about their partner or marital status. This can also manifest as Imposter Syndrome, the feeling that we aren’t “good enough” to be a part of an activity or group coupled with a fear of being “found out”. This can be incredibly isolating, and can act as a barrier to bisexual and pansexual people finding support and celebration in community.

Bisexual erasure can also make it tricky to move through the world at large. If a person wishes to be open and proud about their bisexuality, stigma and misconceptions can make it tricky for them to do so. Consider a cisgender woman who is married to a heterosexual man. Her close friends and family might know that she’s bisexual, but her co-workers and acquaintances might not. There’s likely to be an assumption that she’s heterosexual, and convincing people in her wider circle otherwise can be a daunting and difficult task. Our society tends to assume that you’re heterosexual-as-default and correcting that assumption can be daunting for many people. Not only is it vulnerable to share such personal details, but there might be concerns about the misconceptions or stereotypes that apply to that aspect of our identity. In this example, this woman might feel hesitant to tell her co-workers that she’s bisexual for fear of them assuming that she’s promiscuous or “indecisive”. 

This feeling of “Not queer enough to be queer, but not straight enough to be straight” can leave bisexual and pansexual people feeling isolated and alone. They may feel as though they’re the odd-person-out and could struggle to find someone to chat to about these feelings and experiences.

That’s where I come in! My counselling practice is LGBTQIA+ affirming and welcomes people of all sexualities and genders. On top of that, I’m a proud bisexual women myself. I have lived experience of bisexuality and moving through the world as someone who is attracted to multiple genders. If you’re struggling to come to terms with your bisexuality, or are experiencing difficulties that stem from bisexual erasure, I’d love to help you out. Get in touch to make an appointment or book a time to have a chat to see if you feel comfortable with my approach and we can go from there. Bisexual erasure can be upsetting and challenging, but there are plenty of folks out there who get it and are willing to listen and help you move forward.