Most people usually haven’t heard of many of the concepts and frameworks that I use in my grief counselling practice. But there is one theory that everyone seems to have heard of: The 5 Stages of Grief. This theory was created by Elisabeth Kubler-Ross and proposes 5 “Stages” of grief: Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression and Acceptance. This theory appears constantly in pop culture, which is why most people have heard of it. I personally encountered this theory for the first time on an episode of The Simpsons when I was 10 years old, and it’s stuck in my mind ever since. When I began studying to become a grief counsellor, I realised that I didn’t want to base my client work on this framework.

Why not? Well, there’s a few reasons. The first is that the theory as most people know it is vastly different from the original model proposed by Kubler-Ross. Her research was centred on people with terminal illnesses who are coming to terms with their impending death. Her original work described these 5 key emotions that were usually present in the participants that she observed. It was never intended to be used as a model to describe the way that people who had experienced bereavement or loss will feel after their grief event. Ironically, when The Simpsons discusses the theory, it is against the backdrop of Homer coming to grips with a terminal diagnosis. So even though it’s played for laughs, the show correctly applied the theory. The 5 Stages of Grief has been extended and used for a wide variety of situations, most of which differ dramatically to it’s original inception. This has led to widespread misunderstanding of the theory.

A lot of folks have taken the 5 Stages very literally, and believe that when you are grieving you will experience all 5 stages in order. There is a widespread belief that you have to “complete” each stage in order to move on to the next. And this simply isn’t the case. Emotions after a significant loss are messy. People experience a huge array of emotions that vary in intensity and change rapidly. I often speak with people who are concerned that they’re not grieving “correctly” because they’re experiencing an emotion that’s not one of the 5. Or because they’ve experienced the emotions in a different order. Or sometimes because they’ve gone back to a previous emotion, leading to a concern that they haven’t “moved on” from that stage. Grief is hard enough without adding the shame and worry that you aren’t “doing it right”. I think it’s important to reassure clients that their way of grieving is right for them, and that there’s nothing wrong with them if they aren’t feeling the way they expected to. I think the common understanding of the 5 Stages can create an unrealistic expectation of what grief is supposed to look like, which can generate feelings of shame or worry in the bereaved person.

There’s also a concern that theories that propose “stages” of an experience imply that there is a clear end point to that experience. There’s an idea that once you’ve moved through all 5 stages your grief is “complete” and you’re done with grieving. Sadly, that just isn’t the case. As hard as it can be to accept, grief doesn’t really come to an end. When we experience a significant loss, we carry it with us always. The intensity of our grief changes over time as we process and integrate that loss into our life, but it never truly goes away. Just ask someone who, years after losing a loved one, finds themselves in tears after unexpectedly seeing a stranger who resembles the person they’ve lost. When you’re in the throes of mourning, it’s understandable to want a clear end-point to look forward to. And the 5 Stages gives people that impression, that grief is a set of tasks to be ticked off so that your pain can end. I can reassure recently bereaved clients that they won’t feel the loss this intensely or profoundly forever. The pain will subside eventually but it’s never truly gone for good. 

Don’t get me wrong, I think that the 5 Stages of Grief is a very valuable study in the typical emotions that tend to come up during a loss. There is a lot to be learned from this theory. However, I choose not to rely upon it in my grief counselling practice because that’s not really the point of the theory. I do spend a fair bit of time discussing it with clients who have heard of it and are feeling distressed because their experience doesn’t match their expectations. A lot of people feel a sense of relief when they realise that there isn’t a single framework for grieving, and that their own feelings are valid. Grief counselling can bring reassurance that there really is no “Normal” when it comes to coping with a loss, and that everyone does it a little differently. My goal is to support clients to process their loss in their own way, without relying upon strict guidelines or unrealistic expectations. Approaching grief in this way gives a client the best possible chance of moving through their pain to a place where the loss can be carried with them as they move through their life.