When you think of a “grief counsellor”, you probably imagine someone who works with clients who have experienced the death of someone close to them. Although I work with a lot bereaved clients, grief counselling can be useful for other types of losses. Breakups represent a significant loss, and there are a lot of similarities between the experience of bereavement and breakup. Let’s take a look at how I can help you if you’re going through a break up.

Working through big emotions

There is a lot of overlap between the emotions that are likely to be present after a breakup or a death. Feelings like sadness, yearning, anger, guilt, regret and emptiness are very common in both scenarios. These emotions can be overwhelming and difficult to manage on your own. I can help you to identify the emotions that you’re feeling and give you a safe place to express them. Sometimes it can be challenging to make sense of what’s going on in your head, and talking it through with a counsellor can be super helpful. A lot of people have ideas about how they “should” be feeling after a loss, and might feel distressed if their real-life emotions don’t match this ideal. In this case, it can be very reassuring to have someone who knows what they’re talking about to validate your feelings and confirm that it’s OK to feel this way. 

Finding helpful ways to grieve

Just as the emotions that follow a breakup often mirror the emotions that are common after a death, a lot of the things people tend to do to cope also follow a similar pattern. It is really common for people to spend a lot of time crying and replaying their memories of the relationship in their mind. You might find yourself seeking out the person you’ve broken up with; going to places where you might run into them or drafting endless text messages to them. You might go through photographs or mementos, or listen to special songs that remind you of them. These behaviours are really common, and some of them are helpful in processing the grief you’re feeling. I like to work with my clients to assess their behaviours, to identify any that might be unhelpful and find more supportive things for them to do instead. I can also help to put routines in place to make sure that they’re taking care of their needs while they mourn the end of their relationship, to give their grief space without sacrificing their health.

Processing present and future losses

When a person is going through a breakup, the sadness and sense of loss they feel can extend beyond the loss of the person that they were bonded to. It’s true, they’ll feel a lot of sadness at the separation from this important person in their life. They’ll mourn their shared routines and special things they would do together. But the loss extends into the future as well. When a relationship ends, you not only lose the person but you lose all that their presence in your life represented. You lose the plans you had for a shared future, the trips you might have taken, the house you might have bought, the anniversaries you would have celebrated. It can be heartbreaking to face each of these losses, and I can offer my clients gentle support and an opportunity to talk about all the future things that they’re mourning. For some people, that’s all they need. For others, they might need help finding ways to let these things go and move forward, and we can do this at their own pace.

Reorganizing your world

After a significant relationship ends, there will be some degree of re-ordering that will need to happen to get your life back on track. The scale of reorganization will depend on how enmeshed your relationship was. For example, if you lived together you might need to find a new place to live, divide your possessions and redistribute finances. You might have to negotiate custody of children or pets. There might be social implications if you had a shared friendship group. Each of these challenges can be difficult and exhausting. I can help my clients to plan ahead, problem solve the best way to approach these issues and support them while they’re navigating the transition to the post-breakup life.

Evaluating thoughts and values

Sometimes, a relationship ending can be the catalyst for reconsidering our thoughts and values about love and partnerships. A breakup can completely change the way that person sees the world. They may begin to question their core beliefs and the way they think about love itself. These are very heavy topics, and it can be helpful to work through them with someone who is experienced and knowledgeable. I can help clients to systematically identify their beliefs and values and talk about the uncertainty they’re feeling. If they’re clinging to thought patterns that are no longer helpful, we can work towards establishing new and affirming ways of thinking. As always, this is done in a gentle manner at the client’s own pace.

Relationship break-ups are often deeply upsetting and they represent a significant loss. Grief is common after the end of an important relationship, and a grief counsellor can help provide support and empathy as you work through the feelings of heartbreak and loss.