As December draws to a close, the idea of setting New Year’s resolutions begins looming large. We’re bombarded with advertisements for products and gadgets that claim to offer the gateway to “A Whole New You!” Friends begin posting pledges to lose weight/eat clean/ run a marathon in the year ahead. January 1st seems like a shiny new start, a chance to start over and reinvent ourselves.

Even if made with the best of intentions, most New Year’s Resolutions are abandoned before February. There are a lot of reasons for this, and today I’m going to use the science of behaviour change to help you to approach goal-setting in a way that increases your likelihood of success.

Firstly, let me start by telling you that you don’t have to make New Years Resolutions if you don’t want to. There can be a lot of pressure at this time of year to undergo a gigantic life makeover, which can be anxiety-inducing for many. If goal-setting sounds overwhelming or boring to you right now, you can opt out of New Years Resolutions. Use your time and energy to do something that feels awesome and fulfilling to you.

But if you do want to set a resolution or two, read on…

Be kind to yourself

A lot of us begin the process by taking stock of ourselves and zeroing in on the things we don’t like. When we view ourselves through a critical lens, the process of goal-setting can quickly morph into tearing ourselves down. This sets us up for failure in a few ways. Firstly, we’re more likely to set goals that feel harsh and punishing. That impacts our motivation because we’re imposing obligations on ourselves which feel restrictive. Secondly, when you slip up (which you’re likely to, mistakes are a normal part of change) it feels more like a personal failure than a reasonable hiccup, and you’re more likely to abandon your goal out of shame.

Instead, try to think of areas of your life that you’d like to experience growth. Start off the process from a place of opportunity and self-expansion rather than as a way to “fix” all the things you perceive are wrong.

Focus on one or two goals

It can be tempting to create a massive list of resolutions, but it is possible to get too ambitious. Humans in general aren’t great at dealing with change. We’re creatures of habit and tend to like things to stay the same. Changing our habits is genuinely difficult for us, as it involves altering our brains’ pathways.

The “New Year, New You!” ideal is self defeating. If we try to overhaul every area of our life at once, we’re quickly going to become overwhelmed. Our brains and bodies simply can’t cope with that level of change. Trying to set too many goals results in stress and you’re more likely to abandon the lot out of exhaustion.

Instead, pick just one or two things that you’d like to work on. You could begin by brainstorming a huge list of possible resolutions and then hone in on just a couple that really resonate to you. Let the rest of your life remain stable while you focus on changing just one thing.

Be realistic

Sometimes we set really grand resolutions, only to have reality set in when we try to execute them.

Setting goals is a balancing act between pushing yourself to achieve something, and being honest with yourself about what is actually possible. You need to be creative and attempt to solve issues and barriers that arise while you’re working on the goal. But at the same time you need to balance your own resources and commitments with the time, cost, equipment and skill level that it will take to achieve your goal. Don’t set resolutions that aren’t actually possible to achieve within a year, which involve significant expenses or which rely on an inherent skill-set that you do not possess.

Frame goals in positive terms

A lot of New Year’s resolutions are worded using negative language. “I’m going to stop snacking so much!”, “I’m going to quit procrastinating!”. They focus on quitting or eliminating a behaviour. Framing goals using negative terms can actually be demotivating. It can create a feeling of shame around the behaviour we’re trying to change, which might leave us feeling guilty or depressed if we have a setback. It can also create an internal feeling of resistance and rebellion. If we’re trying to stop doing something that we really like, which feels good then our brain is going to be quite resistant to that change.

However, if you frame your goal in positive terms, it can actually be more motivating. Positive goals are things that we are going to do, such as “I am going to go for a walk each day” or “I’m going to cook one new recipe per week”. Wording your goals this way makes it seem like you’re moving towards something positive. You’re adding something to your life rather than taking something away. Research shows that we are much more likely to achieve positive goals than negative ones.

Take it slow. Like…really slow

As I’ve mentioned before, change is difficult for our brains. When we alter our behaviour to incorporate a new habit, our brain has to rewire it’s pathways to make room for new ways of doing things. In order for the change to become permanent, it has to be repeated many, many times over a long period. Doing something just once or twice isn’t going to result in a big shift in behaviour.

Change takes a long time. The best way to create sustainable change is to break the goal down into a series of tiny changes. Like, really tiny.

Often when we try to make a change we try to change too much too quickly. We veer so far away from our usual way of doing things and it’s overwhelming. We keep it up for a day or two and then quickly revert back to the old way. We swing big because we want to see results swiftly. Those tiny changes don’t feel as satisfying because we don’t feel like we’re doing “enough”. But all those little steps add up over time, and it’s much easier for your brain to adapt to small variations in routine than huge disruptions to the way it’s always done things. If you adopt the mindset that change is a marathon, not a sprint, you’ll be much more likely to see sustainable results over time.

If you want assistance setting goals or resolutions at any time (not just New Years!) speaking to a counsellor can be very useful. I can help you to refine your goals and create a plan to help you work towards them. I can support you as you make progress and assist with working through feelings or challenges that come up.