A surprising number of clients come to counselling with a clear idea of what they need in order to overcome the challenges that they’re facing. Often, the struggle lies not in identifying our needs, but in advocating for ourselves. So why do we find this so hard?

Firstly, a lot of us grow up being taught that it’s not polite to ask for what you want. There’s a pervasive idea that “You get what you’re given” and “You should be happy with what you have”. Asking for more than you’ve got is seen as greedy or needy to some.

Sometimes, it can be a matter of self esteem or self worth. When we believe that our needs are worth less than those of other people, asking to have them met can feel as though you’re asking for more than you deserve. If we believe that we are less worthy of love, attention, assistance or care, then it can be so hard to speak up as ask for what’s lacking.

It can be hard to ask the people closest to us for what we need if we’re afraid of rejection. Asking for something always carries the possibility that we’ll be met with a “No”. When you’re already feeling down or anxious, the thought of opening the door to rejection or refusal can feel like too much.

Asking for what you want can be especially difficult for people who have taken on the responsibility of caring for others. If you identify as a “helper”, a “nurturer” or a “fixer”, then it can feel difficult to ask for someone to help you. It pushes you out of your comfort zone and leaves you feeling as though you might not be living up to the expectations of your role. “I’m the one who looks after everyone else, I shouldn’t need looking after!” you might think to yourself.

And finally, it can feel really difficult to communicate your needs if you haven’t been taught how to do that. Some folks really struggle to find the words to express themselves, and actually framing that request can feel so difficult.

There’s an old saying that goes:

“If you don’t ask, you don’t get”.

A lot of us will sit, stewing in pain and isolation and just hoping that someone will notice how badly we’re hurting. We hope that the people closest to us will swoop in to help. Unfortunately though, that rarely happens and the situation can become more difficult as your pain grows and you also feel resentful that nobody is helping you.

The only way to get help is to ask for it. It’s not always easy, and at times it can feel insurmountably hard, but it’s the best way to get your needs met. Most of us aren’t taught good communication skills when we’re young, but it’s possible to learn them later in life.

I work with a lot of clients who are struggling to ask to have their needs met. Our work involves validating their experience, figuring out what they need and who they need to ask. It might involve exploring their fears and reservations around asking, or role playing those tricky conversations. With each of those clients, my hope is that they walk out of our session feeling confident enough to communicate their needs and hopefully have them met by the people close to them. It’s ok to struggle to ask for what you need, and if you are feeling overwhelmed or unsure where to start, there is help available.